Understanding our Emotions: Shame VS Guilt

How do we define the difference between guilt and shame? It’s entirely possible that you don’t see a difference between the two at all. And while their effects might be similar, they are certainly not the same. Guilt is saying, “I’ve done something bad” while shame says “I AM bad.” Right off the bat, it’s easy to see how they might be mistaken as the same thing. However, one is felt in regard to the specific behavior that can be addressed and changed, and the other is a label that misrepresents who the person actually is.

Guilt

Feeling guilt and realizing that you have done something wrong can help you learn better ways to react to situations and interact with others. You might feel bad about yourself at the time, but it’s also an opportunity to correct the behavior in the future. For example, if your child does something wrong, and you yell at them, you might feel guilty for yelling. This is a healthy way to feel, and will help you take steps to apologize and react differently the next time they misbehave.

Shame

What makes shame a slightly trickier emotion to navigate is that when we feel this particular way, we often think we are so bad that change is not possible, or we ignore the feelings to avoid dealing with them. Both of these reactions create less motivation to do better in the future.

Just like with guilt, a good way of thinking about shame is to consider how you would correct your child. When they are feeling ashamed of themselves, your reaction is probably to be gentle with them, as to not crush their self-esteem. You want to let them know that there’s a difference between doing bad things sometimes and being a bad person.

Say you ask your son to stop playing his video games at 7:00, but he keeps playing for another hour. You have two choices, you can explain why their choice of behavior is wrong, or you can tell them that they are bad for doing something wrong. The difference might seem minuscule, but one of these statements is going to harm the self-esteem of your child without creating any room for growth, while the other might give them something to think about.

Figuring it out

All too often we speak to ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else, instead of choosing to be kind. This leads to feeling defeated, depressed and ashamed of ourselves. If we are unfair enough to ourselves for too long, we will start to believe the things we say. This is often referred to as a self-fulfilling prophecy: we become what we tell ourselves we are.

Remember, no one speaks to you more than you! You spend 24 hours a day with yourself, and words matter. When you do something wrong, try to stay away from doing things like calling yourself an idiot. Instead, try saying that you made a mistake and will try to do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes! Interacting with yourself should be approached with that same attitude as raising children or maintaining a successful relationship. That is, attack the behavior, not the person.

When I counsel people, I often start by asking what it is that they’re looking to change. And once I gain a better understanding of them, I find that it rarely comes down to an inability to change, but rather their lack of belief in themselves. To quote Brene Brown: “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Be kind to yourself, and to others, even when they are difficult. Remember that what we’ve just discussed affects everyone, even you!

As always, if you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to us, because no one is beyond help.